the confounded dockers – follow my views here

mar 23 2013 game 1 v the eagles.  i can’t abide these whingers, they are nuthin’ like a raptor.  never seen so many miserable fans moaning about everything …  go dockers, triumph awaits despite the football world conspiring to deal us the rough end of the pineapple.  and rob us of glory …  doesn’t matter, happens every year

my game analysis - we win by 28 points

heave ho, one from one.  a new hope or false dawn?  or is it meant to be new dawn/false hope?  whatever, doesn’t matter, we have been here before.  is this year any different?  not if the pre game warm up is any pointer, chopper mayne was practising set shots from 11 metres out.  mind you, it came in handy during the game when he booted a major from that exact spot.  pav can only get better for the run.  krepler was good, serviceable,  showed something, OK,  was not that bad.  classic stuff when he slipped on his bum after booting a goal.  probably means he is in the team for the next couple.  clancee remembered last year’s instruction and didn’t fall over or go to ground in the contests, he’s got that figured.  balla greeted the whingers with a freo handshake, gotta admire that.  zac dawkson had less than double figure coach killers, cool

strategic insight from the bleachers – griffo showed his value, he’s a class act.  rossy has to find a way to play both him and sandi if we want to go deep into april

go dockers.  footscray next, who is gonna stand julia at full back?  seems i’m looking ahead, haven’t learned a thing.  go dockers

6 april 2013 game 2 v the bulldogs.  a bigger bunch of losers than us.  a fan base of practically nothing, fighting it out with the power for throwback traits.  now they are on a self belief charge, normally a space reserved for us.  balla is on holiday, one freo handshake too many.  i will be tuning in by radio as i drive home from kalbarri so standby for my expert comments following the match

my game analysis – we win by 28 points

half a heave ho on this one, the dogs aren’t much chop.  didn’t need vision to know that clancee was leading the turnover count.  after mastering standing up in game 1 he must have been over confident.  one step at a time i say, see my strategic insight below.  pav can only get better for the run.  zac dawkson was on the wing for one centre bounce.  ran into the centre, result, the other guy got a goal.  he did bully ace who was standing in for julia at full forward.  just like politics, picking on the weakest link is a good strategy because they have no ability to prove you wrong.  krepler made a lot of clumsy mistakes, positive errors, saved his spot with a couple of goals

strategic insight from the radio – freo now has a set of wheels that gets us to the game on time.  no more turning up a quarter time.  anyone who drags the anchor is gonna be playing wafl.  additional insight – rossy didn’t have a full set of wheels at the saints

go dockers.  no point in looking ahead, we have to play a team and their helpers next week.  how long does that gear work for anyway, come in asada.  friday, dockers, success are three words that normally don’t reside in a single sentence

12 april 2013, game 3 v the bombers.  anyone, anywhere, any time is the new credo of the dockers.  was last year anyway.  just not friday night.  i will be watching on from darwin, hopefully the pub has a footy channel so i can dissect the game in real time.  i’m not a big wrap for the bombers.  a whiney sort of club, sooky coach, fans who know nothing

my game analysis - we lose by 4 points

dockers fans.  do not be alarmed.  a performance like this is normal for our mob.  it defines the team.  anyway, first things first.  where is asada when you need them?  the bombers must have got some of the good stuff at half time.  so if danks is such a villain and got the bullet from the boobers, why does that make hird such a virtuous guy?  both in it together, only one gets sacked.  if you want to defend hird on the basis of “he did nothing illegal” then why sack danks?  specially as it is now clear that hird did know about the “supplements” regime.  hmmm.  anyway back to the game.  bloody hell the umpiring was crook.  i watched the game without listening to the commentary dribble.  note to ch7, time to move cometti on.  baz the snoz … well less said … i don’t like being negative

the mighty dockers always give the other mob a chance.  i don’t think we have ever buried an opposing team then jumped up and down on their grave.  a few observations from the 2h.  dawkson had 4 golden patches of clangers in the 3q.  he joined us for a reason.  pav will be better for the run jog.  crowls – if you use both hands to push someone in the back, how are you going to con the ump that you were trying to grab the pill?  krepler started with assurance, looking like a footballer, with promise, with hope then copped a blow to the noggin.  rossy, i know we had to cover for luke, but krepler isn’t a footballer, utility, back man, especially if his thinking has been impaired.  clancee, like they told me your right boot is dangerous.  sure is killing me, it kept kicking the pill to the chest of the other mob.  tendai, micky, de boer etc., remember to put some of that sticky stuff on your fingers at half time.  chopper almost kicked the miracle goal in the last minute – it would be a miracle if any other footballer missed that one.  i watched this one from darwin.  dockers were on a par with my birding, couldn’t buy a Gerygone chloronata after half time

strategic insight from the hotel 12 inch crt tv circa 1982.  i told ‘em not to get too far in front of themselves.  gotta learn to wield the knife, twist it, repeat, repeat … go dockers

20 april 2013, game 4 v the hawks – in tassie  jeez, i still remember last year’s disaster, and the year before and the year …   hawks seem to think they have some birthright to flog us in tassie.  i don’t go that mob, right bunch of tossers.  more like chicken-hawks.  say, … maybe we should wear the geelong cats strip?  i will be at home for this one to post my match comments after the game

my game analysis – we lose by 42 points

so pav is under the knife.  no surprise here, knew he wasn’t fit.  i’m counting on good surgery and a comeback to show those knockers.  krepler goes into the match with an injury cloud over his bonce.  now that’s a worry.  no predicting what this might mean

bounce down, go dockers.  whaaa!!?  where is the all-aussie backman?  never mind, i am sure the freo brains trust think tank guys with the clipboards have been working this through all week.  i hope.  this has turned into triple bad juju – no all aussies, playing in tassie, and the baldy ump.  no chance.  jeez it’s getting worse.  we have got baz the snoz and swiss boy calling.  pleeeease 7, inflict them on some other mob

anyway the freo boys tried pretty hard after the usual disastrous 1q.  all the cards were stacked against us, especially baldy.  club champion crawley hit the post from 1 metre out.  how does he do that?  the crowd friends and relations at auroroa don’t get it either.  mundy is the acting skipper, must have weighed him down ‘cos he seems so s-l-o-w.    krepler kicked 3, no surprise, i have always been a fan.  except when he goes into the ruck.  or into defence.  other mob always gets a clearance for a goal

strategic insight from my telly.  why don’t collingwood or carlton or essendon have to play in tassie?  why is it always us?  surely the freo brains trust think tank guys with the clipboards don’t ask for this when they submit fixtures.  they wouldn’t … would they?

26 april 2013, game 5 v the tigers – friday night again!  we are taking this thing of anyone, anywhere, anytime thing a bit too far.  2 friday nites in 3 weeks.  the spotlight tends to blind us.  anyway, the tigers have never done it for me.  they pretend to be an elite team of the comp just because they have been around since start up.  go back to punt rd and dream of glory in the vfl.  i will be there, so check out my game report from first hand observations and insight

my game analysis – we win by 1 point

bounce down, friday nite.  whaaa!!?  tigers with a major inside 30 secs.  then another 2 before we get a sniff.  jeez boys, what have we talked about?  remember, switch on early.  so we peg em back by two, including chopper with a goal line volley.  maybe this is the dockers of a new dawn.  nup, tigers get those 2 back in time on.   old dockers

q2 is way better, dockers of the new dawn.  gotta feel for krepler, does the acl in the pocket of death at subi.  by colliding his knee with someone’s guts while he is trying to kick the ball.  different.  subes comes on.  goes like a gun.  amazing what a near miss of being dropped to the wafl can do.  we need to try this on a few more.  pearce may be one, make that a double.  anyway in front at half-time.  go dockers.  the rest of the game is nip and tuck he didn’t play.  crazy stuff in our 50m close to goal stopped us wrapping this up in q3 & 4.  at least it was unselfish team play, help your mate, look for a better option, crazy stuff … or was it lack of confidence, or …panic?  when the tigers hit the front with a couple of minutes to go my mind wandered to the old dockers.  we always lose these heart-stoppers.  without exception.  sometimes from being miles in front.  but – not – this – time!  go dockers of the new dawn!  the freo handshake kicks a goal in time-on to win.  this is a first.  i like it.  i am hearing something about the tigers being robbed of a goal because the goal umpy got in the way?  so what.  cry baby stuff tigers, its a long flight back to punt road for a sook

strategic insight from the bleachers - we have never been able to win games like this.  again the umpies tried to take this one from us, they were s-o-o-o bad.  rossy has got the boys firing.  have we got the depth to cover injuries?  who is gonna play forward with no pav and no krepler?   let me work on this one

4 may 2013, game 6 v the gold coast suns - i will be in albany for a pelagic expedition. my motel room with its 4 inch telly will be fab for the crucial game insights.  the first insight is that gold coast don’t rate with me.  not because they are new.  just because they might beat us to a premiership.  dockers fans are not concerned with these trinkets and baubles that others crave.  strip is crappy but i spose it matches the coach’s hair.  plus they get something we don’t – a fair go from the umpys.  now i find out nat has been rubbed out for two weeks.  one of our wheels has been stolen.  those eastern states types really take the biscuit

my game analysis – we win by 45 points

saturday night in the emu point ritz, after the first albany pelagic for the weekend.  40 inch flat screen.  gotta have good gear for good quality comment.  even without hilly’s wheels, the mighty dockers are off to an OK start.  its like that all night really.  q1 = q2 = q3 = q4.  no wonder gold coast wear jumpers the colour of carrots, they play like rabbits.  an even performance, son son turns it on on and we won won.  btw i thought karmichelle was supposed to be tough.  bit of a bump and he is gone.  rofl, it’s a myth.  i mentioned in my round 1 strategic insights that griffo was a star, prophetic.  3 votes in the bag.  pleasing result and we stick to our proven long term formula.  i.e. mess plenty of things up, never bury any team.  but we get the lollies, let’s get out of this place

strategic insight from the ritz – so far so good without all the good guys and half our wheels  sitting on the sidelines.  our midfielders rovers, wings and centre need to kick more goals on the run.  at the moment if son son doesn’t fire we’re gonna get done done

11 may 2013, game 7 v the magpies - they must have abbreviated their full name of magpie goose (Anseranas semipalmata).  this mob are so wet.  but the eastern states footy chiefs think they are vip, dishing out fawning and favours in all directions.  when was the last time these geese played in tassie?  or geelong?  soft.  no marks from me.  running around in b&w in the name of tradition.  traditionally easy-beats this lot.  i will be there in the bleachers picking up on all the subtle nuances.  no problems with our recent record, we know how they play.  we beat them in 2008 and before that in 2005.  our head to head record before then is not so impressive but you have to remember we had only been in the comp for about 10 years.  hilly should be back, good stuff

my game analysis – we win by 27 points

well hilly ain’t back, so our wheels have got a puncture.  i’m thinking about what to about this and the magpies geese run out.  ugly looking mob.  no wait, that’s their banner squad.  jeez, some of those gals look pretty fierce.  we get going early, put on 3 in a blink.  team message received and sinking in.  the magpies might have been better off playing their cheerleaders, fierce banner team.  more of the same in q2, we edge further ahead.  as mentioned in the intro for this fixture, we know their game, way too easy.  real bad news comes through, griffo is gone for the season with an acl.  i picked up on how good this guy is way back.  anyway it solves the problem of how to structure our talls when sandi comes back.  say when is that? sandi is coming back … isn’t he?  over to our first year big guy, jack hannath.  he shows plenty. so do ibbo and subes

q3 we go to sleep.  in previous seasons we don’t wake up.  takes a while in this game too.  the boys have taken a bit on board recently but my next message for the team is this.  win the first 15 mins of q3 and you kill ‘em off.  ice the game.  we are still in a coma when the magpies hit the lead early in q4.  dawkson has gone into the ruck.  uses his lack of height to advantage, just gets in the way.  confuses the magpies, they have no idea what he is going to do.  neither do the dockers.  jack shows plenty by taking a grab out in front and booting the major score to put us back in front.  away we go, the new dockers kick in.  son son boots 4 so dockers won won.  i didn’t notice crawley so he musta played good

strategic insight from the bleachers – losing griffo is real bad.  it means the guys who come back soon – pav, hilly, nate, sandi – have to make the difference.  with skills and the way of the new dockers

18 may 2013, game 8 v the swans - i will be in sydney for this one and a few other displays.  got tix for the game at the scg.  so you know you are gonna get it straight, not some silly nonsense from some no account commentator.  they know nothing.  great city, terrible footy team.  dopey geriatric supporters.  this sydney bunch aren’t much chop.  aussie swans Cygnus atratus are black, they wear red and white.  work that out.  premiers last year?  doesn’t impress me.  dockers fans do not concern themselves with trinkets and baubles.  anyway we beat them over there in 2011 and had a win at home in 2010.  our recent head to head form with this bunch is hot.  go dockers

hilly is out for another two weeks, our wheels keep getting flats.  no biggie, nate back in, a cert to burn up the scg.  no doubt they will put some scragger on him.  usual stuff from the talentless.  tendu has been sent to the wafl.  hairy zac has been named to boost the ruck.  along with dawkson that makes zac squared.  gonna be tough, maybe i better recap on the playing strategies i have put out there so far;

  • clancee, don’t go to ground in the 1 on 1.  this is a game of staying on your feet
  • clancee, kick the ball.  it’s much better than your handball
  • chopper and crawley, don’t miss the goals from shots in the square.  too many times.  could did cost us a game
  • fire up every game son son so we won won
  • switch on and start fast when the ball gets bounced for the first time
  • don’t forget to put more sticky stuff on your hands at half time
  • start playing again when the ball gets bounced after half time
  • win the first 15 mins of q3 and you will ice the game
  • dawkson, if you are going to confuse someone, make sure it is the other mob

my game analysis – we tie

watched this one surrounded by swans in the o’reilly stand.  a fair smattering of docker fans.  nervous expectation from the purple ones.  bounce down with hairy zac in the guts.  does good and gets a goal as we stumble to a q1 lead.  everyone should skip the next 2 qs  and then some.  dockers of old.  the team forgot the instructions, read above.  except clancee, i think he’s finally got it.  the heroes from last week must have got lost.  difficult to do on a dung heap as small as the scg.  means they weren’t chasing the pill hard enough

anyway the game turns out to be a draw.  why?  how?  dawkson gave away too many free kicks.  maybe he tried to confuse the umpys.  didn’t work.  crawley was awl, he got towelled.  mundy  was the difference between winning and losing.  we didn’t win so work it out.  son son didn’t have any run run.  ibbo hits the post.  from inside the square.   after he played on from a grab.  he joins the miracle goal club along with crawley and mayne, it’s a miracle anyone could miss.  just when despair hits the max, the dockers pull their finger out.  we could of snatched the match when johnson takes a mark inside the 50.  any score makes us the winner.  a point will do the job.  you bewdy, we’ll take the lollies.  whaaa?  ehh?  swans take an uncontested mark on the line.  key word is uncontested.  with 20 secs to go.  anybody think to spoil the ball over the line?  for the win?

strategic insight from the sydney seats - half a loaf is better than no bread at all

26 may 2013, game 9 v the demons - now there is a bunch of losers.  talk about a sorry mob.  without any hope.  got smashed by the suns last week, that’s got to be rock bottom.  this makes them a danger to the dockers of old.  b-u-t the dockers of a new dawn should smash this bunch of amateurs.  surely we can finally dance on someone’s grave?  should be an easy ride from the bleachers at subi.  i’ll let you know

my game analysis – we win by 90 points

well not really a jig on the demon’s grave.  more of a slow shuffle around the crypt.  i thought we were going to have a good day before the bounce down.  the demons’ banner was big but really dull.  pity they were battling for enough fans to raise it up.  the run thru part of the banner defeated a few of their players when they bounced off the crepe paper.  our first half looked promising, off to a good clip.  goal, goal, goals.  no thanks to the umpys.  why do they hand the opposition freebies when you have a target in sight?  they have no idea.  the second half was pretty dull.  it was like we couldn’t find a dance partner.  fumbles and stumbles.  clancee’s dangerous right boot kept putting the pill lace out – to the other mob.  his left boot was even more dangerous.  crawley now has two entries in the miracle goal club – he missed from 8 metres out.  so we win by 15 goals.  good enough to move into our new natural habitat of the top four.

strategic insight from the bleachers – it should have been 20 goals

1 june 2013, game 10 v the crows   i hope there is a telly at donnelly river.  if not i will file my match report based on insightful analysis of the radio broadcast.  i hope the am waves reach petticoat junction.  another afternoon game.  versus the crows in adelaide.  dull town, dull team, dull stadium, dull fans.  no wonder big kurt wanted to bail.  i would too.  we saved pav from a life of boredom by drafting him way back.  this could be a danger match.  the crows are relentlessly boring.

my game analysis – we win by 7 points

no telly and the old tranny didn’t fire a shot.  had to listen to this one on the car radio from the forests of donnelly river.    i knew i would have to separate the wheat from the chaff after listening to the intro from the radio callers.  talk about biased.  everyone seems to be anti purple.  some folk just can’t see any good in the opposition.  anyway here is the real analysis .  the crows were shit-house, weighed down by their boring dullness.  pathetic in truth.  pre game nonsense suggested the crow’s mid field rovers, wings and centre were going to dominate and run them home to a win.  i don’t think so, not with our set of wheels.  nate is back, so is hilly, micky got leather poisoning.  class above really.  some commentators  just don’t get this game.  listening to their gibberish made putting together my game report real tough

and still more commentator stupidity.  continual babble about how the crows could win, even when they were in front by a couple of straight kicks in q1 and hit the front in q4.  as if, get a life.  boring commentators from adelaide should realise the dockers don’t give it up in the last q, not any more.  they even questioned the few miserly free kicks we got.  that is poor.  anyway, a bit of a stroll for our boys.  we will take the 4 points every time when all is stacked against us

strategic insight from the am dial – some radio callers are pathetic.  suggesting the dockers got some unearned freebies.  umpires favouring the purple??  never happened before, never will happen.  we win our games in spite of their whistle

1 june 2013  a bye.  time for a spell.  i am exhausted.

15 june, game 11 v the lions  we have to get ready to take on y-a-w-n, brisbane at subi oval.  they still carry on about their 3-peat.  big deal.  if that’s all they got, then they are never gonna come to much.  docker’s fans are not impressed by trinkets and baubles.  i don’t know – are they the bears or the lions?  doesn’t matter, may as well be the mouses.  no idea this mob.  so feeble they regularly get rolled by the suns

my game analysis – we win by 40 points

well it was a y-a-w-n.  brisbane forgot they are supposed to try winning the game instead of trying to minimise their losing margin.  that’s what mouses do.  the umpy’s didn’t seem anymore clued in on the rules than the average non-docker bum.  the footy industry talks about “interpretation”  - a better description would be umpy improvisation in my view.  nobody can explain to me why the dockers who so scrupulously observe the intent and spirit of the game get more frees against and less frees awarded than any other club.  the scale of the conspiracy against the purple is unbelievable

the lions tried to shut the dockers down by using our game plan.  silly idea, get your own.    nobody can shut down a game better than us.  especially when we follow our game plan.  today, i saw sloppy, i saw lazy, i saw standing off, i saw brain freezes.  who dug up the old dockers’ game plan?  sometimes i wonder.  i don’t think rossy is gonna be be happy.  a few laps of freo oval coming up.  anyway back to the game.  we still managed to beat them up, but we should have stacked on mega percentage.

some numbskull from the lions tried to rough up hilly.  now it looks like hilly might get a week off just from trying to provide some goodwill with a freo handshake.  unbelievable.  crawley played his 150 milestone.  who would have thought?  his opponent got subbed off so crawley was able to play his natural game unhindered.  that had a few people worried.  me.  zac (dawkson) showed off a few clangers.  so funny!  people call zac (clarke) a real athlete.  relevance?  let’s stick to putting to good use his 5 years of lessons in ruck, mark, handball and kick.  I think he is getting it.

strategic insight from the bleachers – we need pav back

23 june, game 12 v the kangaroos  what is this shinboner thing?  one of their blokes from a few years ago knew about boning things.  is that what it is about?  apparently they have lost a few close shaves this year and are mentally fragile.  i  can see why.  they are all of these.  north melbourne, kangaroos, kangas, roos, shinboners, hobart something or other, ballarat the other, broke, and losers.  and they operate something called the arden st huddle.  what a dump.  and i don’t want to know who is huddlin’ who.  dockers ought to take full toll of this mob.  go the purple.

my game analysis – we win by 38 points

an early afternoon game.  drizzle, downpour, sunshine.  we can play anyone, anywhere, anytime.  better add “any conditions”.  a trio of portends during the prelims.  2 good, 1 not so.  no. 1 presage, the on ground game announcer introduces the other mob as the “rooters”.  did i hear that?  no, apparently just a poor pronunciation of one of their pseudonyms.  nice work anyway, given their after hours love interests a few years back.  no 2 presage, the nmfc, roos, kangas, shinboners, rooters banner squad have got a couple of ring ins.  one dressed in bombers gear, another in sydney swans clobber!  whaaa’s goin’ on?  i know their fan base is negligible but that is piss weak.  wait – is that the legendary galloping gasometer holding up a post?  one of my vfl favs.   nuh can’t be, the champ has passed on.  rip big guy.   just a huge banner squad guy gal guy gal.  presage no 3, the mighty dockers run on to the ground.  unidentified purple player tries to kick the ball thru the banner – and misses.  it’s closer than the side of a barn.  jeez, i am worried the boys might be off with that clanger.

well clangers were the theme of the day.  the usual suspects featured.  most caused by handballing to stationary purple.  or kicking to outnumbered purple.  or passing the ball directly to non-purple.  crawley clangered some midget’s bells, but that is on the positive side of the ledger.

here are the good bits.  son son is back, all class on the left boot.  balla runs down a heap of roos on the hop.  nat is fab.  the spur is hard at the pill.  johnno reads the play.  all the purple wanted to be first to the pill.  good stuff happens.

the official afl player rankings show the audacity and extent of official conspiracy against the purple.  dockers have nil, 0, null, zero, players in the top 70 – and the rooters have 6.  big deal, this plays into our hands.  the purple have never been concerned with the game’s trinkets and baubles, we prefer to sneak under the wire.  go the mighty dockers.

strategic insight from the bleachers – we have more injuries than other teams because we are hardest at the pill.  but the rewards flow.  pav would have seen this from the stands.  he will be hungry.  time to bring him back.

29 june, game 13 v the cats  saturday night in geelong.  wow.  playing at simonds stadium, named after a vic building company.  don’t know how much they are going to build in vic the way things are going.  way things are going down in geelong the banks are going to foreclose on the entire city town village anyway.  apparently the locals call it “sleepy hollow”.  imagine what we call it.  despite the cats being such an unlikeable bunch, full of themselves and puffed up in a small pond, they are gonna be hard to roll.  insecure mobs like the cats are always preoccupied with beating their bogey side.  us.  we  have beaten them in the last 2 games, including dumping them out of last years finals.  let’s hope our traditional mastery over this bunch continues.

my game analysis – we lose by 41 points

dockers fans, this was a tough one.  seeing umpire baldy run on to the oval got things off to  a dismal beginning.  even worse – where’s the spur?  spewing after eating some ptomaine ridden geelong tucker.  so that leaves us with a quarter of the side with half a game in the bigs.  gonna be a test of perseverance.  geelong are so annoying, the main test of purple perseverance is not to hand out too many freo handshakes.  duff goes off with a calf.  how bad can it get?  worse, much worse.

it’s hard spotting any purple on the tv.  calling no. 23, where are you?  we let their best backs wander around without anyone taking them on.  we even kick the ball towards them – instead of away.  geelong are waxing the pill.  cripes, some of our blokes are pointing at it!  you’ve seen a footy before!  chase it and grab hold of it.  you can’t put the game plan into action without the pill.  without the ball it’s a game of charades.  calling no. 23, where are you?

so we didn’t play smart.  but we did show something.  a need to improve.  here’s the good bits.   crawley fixed up the cat’s chief sook.  nat showed his class, again.  viv stuck a big tackle.  that’s it.

strategic insight from my telly – definitely time to bring pav back

7 july, game 14 v the saints  i can’t believe this bunch of yoyos.  after rossy takes them to a gf and plenty, they make him sweat on a contract extension.  saints chiefs are thinking how smart they are – but the dockers swoop.  now there is a genius move.  anyway i used to go for the saints in pre – docker times.  i lived in st kilda in the vfl days.  moorabbin in the mud.  trevor barker standing on someone’s shoulders.  enough of the crap, back to now.  they are really hopeless.  they keep making excuses.  their theme song is so twee.  they have no leaders.  dockers play at home in an afternoon game.  we bring back pav, micky, mundy, sandy and the spur.  that’s a 25% upgrade.  say your prayers saints.

my game analysis – we win by 30 points

no pre-game highlights.  well maybe one.  the saints mascot. what is this distorted caricature?  woody woodpecker with a halo?  or foghorn leghorn with a halo?  best guess is woody chicken-pecker wearing a halo.  i’m not kidding.    best move on.  no game-time highlights.  no post-game highlights.  jeez, why can’t the purple just crush one team?  dunno.  we never have.  the saints banner squad reminded me that today should have been our payday.  most of them had jumpers with 12, 23 & 44 on the back.  bad luck all those saints regulars didn’t make it over.

q1 was nostalgic.  a lot of reminders of the old dockers.  never mind, don’t be negative.  i am sure we will turn the corner in q2.  we do.  for the worse.  we feature some specials from our bleak years.  that’s not so surprising – that’s our entire 19 years in the comp.  don’t handball to players standing still!  is it worth trying to kick the pill instead of handballing it back and forward in an area with a radius of 5 metres?  nup, seems not.  aaahh now I get it.  our foot passing is a bit off.  off target.  off the side of the boot.  off line.  off the oval.  saints in front at the break.  i bet rossy is gonna chuck a fierce one.

the mood is positive when the purple reappear.  things look better when we finally win a centre clearance.  the half time cook from rossy must have worked.  pav boots a major from 50m on a tight angle.  i’d like to see that again.  another clearance, pav slots the repeat from the same spot.  puts us back in the lead.  the rest of the game is a grind.  some vital signs from the dockers of the new age.  we win and defy our legendary all time career record of losing from half time deficits.  go dockers!

strategic insight from the bleachers – good to have pav back.  a trump card back in the line-up

14 july, game 15 v the eagles  this mob have won some games and done better than most people expected.  a talent deprived list.  a coach who stares vacantly out of the box.  a yellow and blue strip!  so dull!!  it’s their home game.  i’m not going.  why would anyone  surround themselves with inanity?  stop blaming the umps when your wheels fall off.  sook sook.  i’ll tune in the set.  turn the sound off.  it’ll be a better match report if i don’t have to listen to the usual eagles sympathisers.  go dockers.

my game analysis – we win by 28 points

i only got to watch half the game live on telly.  tuned in the tranny for the rest of the game on the way to the airport.  a last minute summons to be in adelaide for early monday morning toil.  just as well.  i didn’t realise just how emetic the eagles are.  and how febrile are their fans?  and the eagle sympathising commentators are so uninformed.  and the umpys … why do they torment the purple?

luke the all-aussie full back is watching this one from the stands.  and the next three games.  rossy drafts in silv who on paper should be good.  he is related to the afl full back of the century.  apparently.  gene flow is so unpredictable.  in any case we have dawkson for back up.  doesn’t matter, we all know the secret.  if we squash their midfield, there will be no supply to their forwards!  with our guns, this is gonna be so easy!  a hiccup, subes fails a last minute fitness test.  it’s ok, we have sherro and cam as backups

that midfield cliché is over rated.  bloody hell, somebody forgot about knocking the pill to the purple midfield at the ruck contests..  zac isn’t getting anywhere near the tap zone.  better get sandi into the middle, tallest player in the league.  nuh, doesn’t work.  running and jumping seem too much of a stretch at this stage of his comeback to the bigs.  no chop just standing there and putting an arm up.  ok, new plan.  we use our footy brains smarts savvy mongrel to shark the taps from the eagles.  plan b is gonna be a pushover.  will it work?

yep but it takes a while.  down at the half.  down at the 3q.  forget the mongrel, some of our blokes need guide dogs.  so run around and chase the ball.  it’s not going to come to you.  unless you are a fringe playing eagle seagull goal kicker

the eagles have obviously made this derby their grand final.  so small minded  …  but if that’s the way they want it.   the last q we get going and blow these pretenders away.  our midfield wings, centre, rovers get the wheels rolling.  micky, hilly, nat, tendai … take your pick, they are all on fire.  pav boots three.  an easy win, not much heave ho needed to beat up this sad lot

strategic insight from the telly/tranny - big sandi will be better for the run.  i saw signs.  the dockers would like to play the eagles more that twice a year.  4 or 5 times would be good.  beating this bunch of saps is easy and fun.  just like pushing non-swimmers off the east street jetty

21 july, game 16 v the tigers   remember these whingers?  they reckon they were robbed in round 5 when the ball was heading for the big opening and hit the goal umpy’s leg.  if you kicked the pill better it wouldn’t happen!  it’s your own fault!  stop blaming the umpys – it’s unsportsmanlike.  i wonder what they are gonna blame this time?  try lack of footy ability

my game analysis – we lose by 27 points

i switched on the telly.  i should have turned down the volume – to zero.  fawning sycophantic comments from the class a morons behind the microphones.  this self appointed genii forgot we went in with a stack of outs.  luke, big sandi and pav.  that is 3 all-aussies parked in the stands. no subes and balla, both injured.  clancee was back on the park one week after concussion.  better chalk that as a negative.  25% of the team missing.   pav should have played.  but the skipper was rubbed out for 3 by vested interests from the vfl.  nobody knows why, a fair hit dished out to someone who got in the way when pav was hunting down the pill.  let’s be clear here.  the dockers are never gonna get a fair rub from the mob who pull the strings.  or the umpys.  or the media.  who cares?  not the purple.

back to the game.  we are starting 5 miles back.  rossy has redefined our credo.  anyone – anywhere – anytime - any conditions - any umpys - any injuries - any vfl conspiracy – any player tribunal injustices.  nup, the pre-game rev-up isn’t enough.  all of those banana skins chucked in front of us are too much today.  plenty of clangers from zac x2.  when you have two zacs, the result is not simply doubled.  it’s worse.  the outcome is the negative of the square of the clangers.  bad, really bad.  clancee’s concussion must have kicked in.  our decision making was bold ambitious innovative beyond belief.  most of our blokes have to play to their capabilities and keep it simple.  for good reason

strategic insight from the telly – with our champs back in we will be better.  the tiger front-running mob will be evanescent if we meet them in september.

27 july, game 17 versus the crows  its been cold over here.  we need to be prepared for the arrival of these beanie wearing adelaide bogans.  it’ll be hilarious if they aren’t reminded to take them off before they run out to play.

my game analysis  - we win by 22 points

well the adelaide crew didn’t disappoint.  both their supporters and the players.  the banner squad has a high beanie count, about 100%.  no surprise.  it’s been adelaide’s leading fashion item for 177 years.  the crow players run out looking like they had spilled their lunch-time pie over their jerseys.  big splotches of grub, tomato sauce and mustard.  words fail me.  i don’t want to be contumely.  so here it is.crows

crows get a free kick before the ball is bounced.  these umpys have no idea.  the dockers are lacking a bit at the moment too.  i’m thinking this is not going well.  time for the  pep talk all fans of the purple have to self administer.  breathe deeply, exhale, marvel that we have 12.5 wins on the board.  or go straight to cursing out.  that works.  son son run runs, boots a double.  nat is rolling.  crawley shuts down the corvid playmaker.  i think clancee may still be suffering from concussion.  a bit hard to tell.  he gets another whack on the noggin.  look on the bright side, it might be self correcting.  we hit the lead late in q1.  the same formula for the rest of the game.  q1 = q2 = q3 = q4 = umpys are useless = pay soft free kicks to the other mob.

strategic insight from the bleachers – the crows had a bit to play for.  the jumper.   self respect.  redemption.  so they went as hard as they could.  they failed.  purple fans know that our tradition of unpredictability and under delivery makes looking ahead pointless.  but i can’t help it, despite it feeling like the seirenes are calling me on to the rocks.  pav, luke and balla to come back in over the next few weeks.  go dockers!

3 august, game 18 versus the blues  now here is a stuck up mob.  in my view nothin’ to brag about.  their fans call the team and themselves the “blue bloods”, or the “blue boys”.  huh?  have you seen their fans?  i don’t know what they are comparing themselves too?  are there any prisons in carlton?  it seems not, must be the slums where all these creeps come from.  blue bozo.  is this a case of defective noun singularia tantum?  let’s go with blue bozo, singular and plural.

my game analysiswe win by 36 points

i rushed home from a display (other desert cities) and tuned in the telly.

the bozo run out.  the umpys are already on the park.  then the bozo stop and form a group.  their banner has a built in gap that has to be pulled back so the bozo can run through without breaking anything.  i’m not impressed.  in contrast the dockers look fierce.

q1 starts in predictable fashion with the other mob jumping to a two goal lead. the old dockers would fold up the tent at this early juncture.  not any more.  but some things never change.  like the free kick generosity of the umpys to anyone playing the dockers.  subes gets done for ball after some bozo puts on a wwf backbreaker.  get off him bozo!  the purple are now in the game, switch on and boot a few.

to give the bozo some credit they throw everything they have got at the purple.  that ain’t much.  i don’t want to be patronising so i take that credit back.   we start to turn it on.  big sandi shows plenty.  so does nat.  put him down for another 3 brownlow votes.  hilly is burning the grass.  lachie plays a break out game.  breaks the bozo midfield.

the freo handshake shows the spirit of the game.  after balla gets his jumper ripped off by some bozo he helps out by yelling a few footy tips in the bozo’ ear.   very keen to make sure bozo understands where he needs to improve.   the umpy likes this goodwill and rewards balla by letting him boot a major from the goal square.  q4 sees the purple run a clinic.  tap, kick, tackle, mark, hands, goal, goal, goal …. go dockers!

strategic insight from the tv – the purple are throwing out our traditions of 19 years in the comp.  no more q4 fades.  the seirenes continue their seduction.

11 august, game 19 versus the giants  we meet the comp newbies coming off their record equalling winning streak.  1.  and they beat the melbourne demons.  so they will be in hot form.  at least by their standards.  we need to plan carefully – so we crush them.  i try and shut down the seirenes whispers to regard this as goal kicking practice.  go dockers!

my game analysis - we win by 113 points

confidence was running high before this one.  the purple should be way too good for the orange giants giant oranges.  i can’t see any giants fans in the stands.  easier to be embarrassed at home watching the telly i guess.  the giants banner squad unfurl their message of hope.  the banner is half size and at half mast on the support poles.  it’s like waving the white flag before you start.  anyway the giant oranges run out.  nup, someone is mixed up, the little league is played at half time in the bigs.  you got it, this is the giants.  so so young, so so easy to push around.

wait up, hilly is missing.  silv comes in.  bounce down.  zac taps to nat, kicks to subes, swings on to the left boot, goal.  that was easy, took about 20 seconds.  one of the 15 purple goal kickers.  and so on and so forth.  we get out by 6 goals in q1.  q2 is a shocker.  lots of purple pointing at the ball, a lot less chasing it.  giants kick back with 5 goals to 1.  i know coach rossy is gonna be cheesed off.  i can feel the half time cook coming on from my seat in the bleachers.

it must of been a massive half time spray from coach rossy.  after half time the purple kick 16 majors, the oranges get a lucky 1.  the purple are hungry.  nobody is pointing, everybody is chasing the pill.  it has taken 19 years but we finally crush another team without mercy.  now that’s entertainment.  anyway q3 = q4.  majors all over the show.

strategic insight from the bleachers - pav will be better for the run.  our guys just got to remember their lesson from q2.  i.e. don’t point at the footy.  run into space.  someone will kick the pill to purple on the burst.

18 august, game 20 versus the demons  we beat the demons by 90 points back in game 9.  it didn’t get better – they sacked their coach.  i think the vfl board is making a takeover bid to remake this club.  waste of time and money, better off going for liquidation if you ask me.  i reckon this bunch of no hopers have got worse.  this is a second chance to bury these dumbbells.  even the the giant oranges who went down big time on the docker’s hit list beat the demons.  i can hardly wait for this carnage.  go dockers!

my game analysis - we win by 95 points

my analysis of this docker’s game is late.  for many reasons.  apologies readers.  events cascaded to prevent me from being anywhere near a telly or tranny or replay

  1. ordered by the man to be in darwin for toil starting monday 0800 hours
  2. that means you have to leave perth at 0800 hours on game day.  bloody inconvenient, but i will be in my hotel to watch the last half
  3. ‘plane departure is delayed until 1030 hours.  “crewing issues”?  i think that is shorthand for somebody sleeping in.  hastily denied when i ask.  it must be true
  4. the entire game is played while i am in the air.  surrounded by nut jobs.  i wish that guy in window seat f had seat g.  i wish i stayed home
  5. lucky i have a back up plan.  get home wednesday, watch the game i recorded on the black box.  but now i gotta go to alice springs, not back home until thursday

finally … at least we were only playing the demons.  so not many people will be interested in this one.  press play, the widescreen kicks in.  here comes the purple on to the mcg.  panoramic scan of the stands.  no one showed up.  only 13,000 spectators.  demons’ fans can’t bear to watch.  their season is desuetude and the embarrassment can’t finish quick enough for these losers.  they have been wishing for season’s end since round 1.  the dees seem to be hiding in the tunnel before they limp on.  “dees’ is what the silly tv commentators call this sorry bunch.  i can think of other things

the dees are really bad.  can you believe they got fined for not putting their best foot forward a season or so ago?  that suggests they actually had some prospect other than getting caned.  as if.  hilarious

here are the game highlights.  q1.  the umpys hand out 2 x 50m penalties to put the dees well inside the 50m arc for a ping on goals.  they miss.  q2.  the spur kicks a major.  his first ever.  no big deal.  except he plays in the back pocket.  q3.  hilly.  s-o-o-o good.  q4.  the pav

strategic insight from the replay – a good tune up for a couple of the purple.  watch out – pav is running and jumping back into form

24 august, game 21 v the power  finally we get to play port adelaide.  if you thought their kissing cousins the adelaide crows were odd, then … nah, best  say nothin’.  i don’t want to engage in persiflage.  i know port adelaide very well, toil has taken me there regularly over the past 7 or 8 years.  a place where time, education and everything else has stood still.  i have seen port adelaide bogans wearing their footy beanies in 40 degree (c)  temperature.  no bull.  anyway back to the port power.  described by some as  this year’s surprise packet.  they will be surprised when they play the purple.  go dockers!

 my game analysiswe win by 74 points

there was some speculation by the silly expert commentators that port adelaide would bring their ‘a grade’ game for this clash.  shit, they know nothing.  any real student of the game would know that port adelaide ‘a grade’ = dockers ‘f’.  bounce down.  nat grabs the pill, races towards goal, unloads with a big boot, just misses.  that’s strange, there must have been a freak wind shear in the goal square.  the purple get on with the job.  son son turns on the run run.  balla, the freo handshake cuts loose.  they boot two majors – each – before the power have any idea emerge from their woozy self belief.   q2 can’t be any better.  it is.  power  don’t get on the scoreboard.  and this is their ‘a grade’?  pav is doing plenty of hard work in the crunch.  around him the other mob are the port cower.  q3 and q4 are more of the same.  power get soft kicks and goals from the  ’d grade’ umpys.  doesn’t matter the purple have all the answers.  go dockers!

strategic insight from the bleachers – pav is back.  gonna be spot on for the big dances coming up.  the purple look fit and strong.

31 august, game 22 v the saints  saints prayers didn’t work last time, won’t work this time.  saints will be thinking “how did we let coach rossy get away?”  answer, because you are stupid.  this mob are the ideal training partners for the purple.  they won’t be too intrusive when we try out a few set plays.  give pav some marking and kicking practice.  saints, say your prayers

 my game analysiswe lose by 71 points

coach rossy decides to rest most of the first team players before next week’s finals.  somebody made the decision that our draw for the finals would not change – win, lose or draw.  so we lose.  but i like what i saw, especially from some of the new players

we had nothing to play for.  the saints had three 200+ games old farts playing their last match.  so it turned into a sort of exhibition or benefit game.  devoid of interest.  i put it in the category of scratch match.  nobody seemed worried that we got belted and only kicked six goals.  hopefully all the purple ‘outs’ had a good snooze back in perth.  i did

clancee did a calf in his comeback.  ibbo hasn’t made it back.  those blokes might be out of september calcs.  luke is a natural, he might be good to go for next week

strategic insight from the tv – leaving half the team back in perth means most of the purple team won’t be doing two road trips in a week

7 sep qualifying final v the cats  we finish third on the ladder.  no home final this week.  instead the vfl conspirators order us to play in a small hamlet called geelong.  nobody knows why, it only holds a handful of rabid cat supporters.  i thought we are playing in the bigs?  this dirty trick doesn’t worry coach rossy who repaeats his mantra of anyone, anywhere, anytime, any umpys, any bias, any stupid shit – we are ready.  except for johnno, an all aussie and one of our best for this season.  and clancee and ibbo.  maybe luke as well.  4 outs and counting.  all with calf injuries.  that’s bloody well most of the back half!  not good, better add ‘any injuries’ to the mantra.  with this  epidemic we need a sports scientist.  go dockers.

 my game analysis - we win by 15 points

the mighty dockers run out on to the geelong village oval.  luke the all-aussie is in.  a calm confidence.  this changes when i see the umpys.  the one who looks like eddie munster.  another who looks like he has a a steel wool rug.  none of them are known for being able to spot a purple free kick right in front of their whistle.  it gets worse.  big nose from tv7 is commentating.

whaaat the holy barramundi??  … eddie munster gives some geelong scrubber a free in front of the sticks before the game even starts.  reckons dawkson gave someone a freo handshake.  so what?  one thing i have noticed – the cats are a bunch of sooky squawkers.  the purple get over their nerves in q1 and stay in the game.  i would be nervous too,  surrounded by hillbillies.

q2 we get moving.  our mids ruck, rovers, centre, wings get plenty of the pill.  the purple pile on 5 majors straight to take the lead at half time.  the geelong villagers watching on have gone very quite, sulking probably.  q3 and we extend our lead.  our wheels are racing.  hilly has got plenty of toe.  micky is everywhere.  the spur is  fearless.  q4 we draw away and rub it in.  in the last few minutes pav runs hard to the back pocket and puts on a spoil to ice the game.  how good are the purple?  too good for those vfl conspirators and the stupid cats.  anyone, anywhere, anytime, any umpys, any bias, any stupid shit – we are ready.

strategic insight from the widescreen – pav was good.  he will be great.  sandi is back.  rossy’s plan to rest half the team last week was genius.  now we get another week off.  go dockers.

21 sep preliminary final v the swans    we had a draw last time we played the swans.  in sydney.  we should have won.  never mind we will smash them when it counts.  they won the flag last year.  that makes them yesterday’s news.  permanently.  they have 5 all-aussies, we only have one.  more crap from vfl has-beens.  go dockers

my game analysiswe win by 25 points

a big day for docker fans at subi oval.  playing the swans at home for a spot in the grand final.  the mood and atmosphere really crackled – everybody knows the purple are going to give this a big shove.  99% of the crowd are purple fans, barely any red and white swans.

the warm up shows why we are on a roll.  big sandi is practising overhead grabs.  and leaning into ruck opponents at boundary throw ins.  about time, he means business tonite.  luke is out there, not kicking any practice balls.  doesn’t have to, he knows what this is about.  johnno is back in .  our only all-aussie.  what a joke, another vfl betrayal.  pav looks fit.  our team looks confident.  clancee, ibbo, griffo, krepler, moro are all on the long term injured list.  some at least would have pushed for spots.  some may be delisted at the end of our season.  that’s just the way it goes.  for all of us.

jeez, one of the umpys is the bloke with the frizzy hair.  i suspect a vfl plot.  he has no idea.  no way will he be blowing a grand final whistle.  unless it is some vfa under 12’s game.  pav wins the toss, he is primed for tonight.

bounce down.  it doesn’t take long to read the play.  the purple are all over this game in q1 except the scoreboard.  put this down as a typical dockers start, not nerves.  shown to be the case in q2.  we bruise the swans everywhere, including on the scoreboard.  too easy, i thought sydney were supposed to ‘never say die’?  they look dead to me.  anyone would be after copping the docker’s squeeze.  heave ho, squeeze ho, there is no life left in the swans.

q3 and q4 are routine.  we hold the other mob at arm’s length.  they get a couple of goals back, but who cares?  there are other things on our list.  don’t get injured.  don’t get reported.  don’t get worn out for next week.

siren!  speaking of, the mcg seirēnes are calling louder than ever.  what a sweet song!  do I dare dream of september victory?  or like odyesseus do i strap myself to the mast to avoid a false and nasty seduction?

strategic insight from the bleachers – why wasn’t son son selected in the all aussie side?  because the vfl are useless.